Frustration Will Not Win... I Will!

"You are not understanding what I am saying."  Frustration took over as I was trying to explain a situation to a friend.  "You are not listening." I tried to deliver my message in several different ways and my friend refused to understand my point.  I decided not to get angry and try to figure out what happened in the mix of our personalities, energy, or whatever  you want to call it that made it impossible to continue the conversation without getting angry.  I'm not a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or counselor, so this is pure speculation based on my own observation.

• My life experiences make me unique and even when I share an experience with you, we interpret it through our own lens and therefore, what can easily make me laugh will (and does) annoy others.  My husband and I had a conversation today about our diverse tastes in television shows.  He admittted that he was not a fan of my cooking shows (which I knew) and I am not a fan of his fascination with Tru TV's detective crime shows.  We share dour specific interests in the shows and I understand now why he loves to watch almost any cop show - reality or drama.
• My anxieties and emotions of the day definitely impact another experience hours later, even days or months later.  While I try to leave the stress of either work or home in each place, I know that some days (maybe more than I would like to admit), I cannot.
• My expectations (high or low) can change how you react, receive and learn from an event or experience in your life.  I try to be reasonable and practical when looking forward to a vacation, family event, or major milestone in our life.  This has been particularly interesting exercise and growth over the past year.  In February, when I was planning for my birthday, I only did what I wanted to do.  Rather than have a big party, I had a few very special dinners with friends and family.  Each dinner was a unique celebration, not because it was my birthday, but because of those I cherished around the table.  

As I learned from Carol Dweck's book, Mindset, I want to be in "growth" mindset as often as possible and stay out of "fixed" mindset.  This change to work and be with others (family, friends and colleagues) allows me to have more positive conversations, more productive meetings and definitely more fun exchanges with my friends.  When I listen carefully to what others are saying, manage both my emotions and my expectations, I am able to be clear about how to have a better and more joyful experience.

And my friend and I were able to come back together to hear each other.  And that makes me happy.

MINDSET will enhance your life

At the suggestion of a friend, I read “Mindset” by Carol Dweck.   While I thought it would be interesting and something that would help me to be a better parent, I did not expect to receive answers to so many questions I had about my own past behaviors.  I often wondered why I struggled so much during certain times in my life when other times I soared.  “Mindset” answered these questions and also gave me new insight to how to live a fuller and richer life.  The book illustrates two specific mindsets – “growth” and “fixed.”

Looking back, my high school days were successful.  My grades were above average, I had very positive relationships with my teachers and I loved my friends.  I lived in “growth mindset.”  That was until the 2^nd semester of my senior year when I had difficulty in my math analysis class.  I had always gotten A’s and B’s in math until this class.  I loved math and was planning to be a math major in college.  In this final semester, I found the class so difficult that I became paralyzed and frightened.  I couldn’t wait to graduate and my failure in this one class clouded the end of my successful high school career.   In fact, I applied to colleges that didn’t require a personal essay because I was so intimidated by the evaluation and anticipated rejection.   I had entered into a “fixed mindset” and believed I couldn’t perform well academically. 

Fortunately, I got into college.  In the first few months, I was still having difficulty in math and rather than search for help, I had already determined that the left side of my brain had reached its limit for mathematics.  After a couple of years of struggling and feeling lost, I needed an answer.  I decided to focus on the right side of my brain and switched my major to English.    I struggled there too, but thankfully graduated.  “Fixed mindset” had severely impacted my college career.

Following graduation, I landed an internship under the guidance of a mentor for whom I am still grateful.  After 5 years of wasting my time in college, I fell in love with business.  I felt empowered almost immediately and within months of starting the internship, I was offered a permanent position and then I was promoted.  This boss/mentor nurtured my “growth mindset” and gave me my confidence to succeed back.  This experience showed me that I had not lost the ability to learn and my brain wasn’t broken.  Because of this experience, I found joy in learning again and understood how to use it to solve problems.

Twenty five years later, my desire to learn continues in every aspect of my life.  Over the years, there were still times “fixed” rather than “growth,” but none as obvious to me as back in my teens and twenties.  Like the pendulum, life moves from good to bad and then back again and back again. If we strive to stay in a “growth mindset” then the difficulties of life become learning opportunities, lessons, and for some, true awakenings.

 

Read Mindset – it is a wonderful resource.  Here is the link to Carol Dweck’s website - http://mindsetonline.com/whatisit/about/index.html

Speak Kindly...to Yourself

As the Jewish New Year begins, I am making one very serious commitment – to make sure that my inner voice speaks kindly.   Throughout my life, a constant struggle has been to have a positive inner voice.  Like so many of us,  I am the most critical of myself and the internal conversation is sometimes more active and frustrating than an actual conversation with a loved one.

Recently, I saw a webisode of Amy Poehler’s, “Ask Amy.”    She read a question from a viewer about body image and inner beauty.  She answers the question by telling the audience how women and young girls should find parts of their body to love and when feeling down, they should speak to themselves as if they were speaking to their daughter or younger sister.   What struck me most is how she instructs women to speak to themselves as if they are talking to someone they care for deeply.  Do we really need to be told that?  YES!  When I look in the mirror or think about what steps I need to take, I am more critical than any other person.  My thoughts are mixed – “you can do this, you can’t do this, do it this way, that won’t work.”  

At the suggestion of someone I admire, I began reading “Mindset, The New Psychology of Success” by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D.  Only 20% into the book, I already see a difference in how I perceive certain situations regarding my own growth and limitations.  I carry a very positive persona.  I am happy, I am pro-active and I like to solve problems.  However, like many women, I have a voice inside that can be more critical than necessary.  It can be overbrearing, mean, relentless and WRONG.  It took me a long time to recognize the mean voice and that I am the one being too critical of myself.

In the past year (before I read the book or saw the webisode) I began to change my mindset.  I want my inner voice to be stronger and kinder and to be able to I say, "Let's go, let's do this, or you will be okay if it doesn't work out."  I have found some freedom in releasing the negative chatter.   I don’t second guess myself and I don’t over analyze (at least not as much).  When I changed my thinking back in January, I started playing tennis again, I learned to meditate, and I began writing and reading more.  I now live and love more deeply.  I experience life with more curiosity and interest.

I’m not perfect, but I am so much more fulfilled.  There are plenty of people who will be the negative voice in my life.  I have worked hard to ignore them and at least, take the constructive criticism.  Now I want to be kinder, more forgiving, and easier on myself.  I want to own a can-do-am attitude and continue to grab and embrace new challenges – those I create and those that come to me.  This is what I want for the New Year.

Wishing a sweet, joyful, productive, and thoughtful New Year!