Communal Parenting

When I was pregnant with my daughter 13 years ago, my best friend and I were pregnant at the same time.  Since then, we both have had a 2nd child and we are fortunate to be able to spend time together.  From the moment the kids were born, we have always had an agreement that we are safe to co-parent our children.  When her kids need me, I am there and even if they don't.  And my kids know that they can call her anytime they need her.  I am so lucky to have her.  But we live about an hour an hour apart (in traffic - sometimes more, sometimes less) and therefore, moments together are cherished and filled with gratitude.

As my daughter grew up, I got lucky again and found myself with a great group of friends who were the parents of her friends - not just one or two, but five.   Over the past years, these women and I became close friends.  When one of our daughters has a problem, we work it out together.  When I have a problem, I check in with one of them.  

It became noticeable to me when I went to a class meeting for my son and realized I didn't have the same support system as with my daughter.  Luckily, two of the moms have sons the same age as my son so that trust is already built.  The moms in his class are nice and I am friendly with some, but the circle of women that I met through my daughter is special and has grown over time.

Communal parenting is powerful.  It takes honesty, trust, and a willingness to be parents together.  I am aligned with these parents, together we find solutions rather than blindly defending our children.  We are willing to hear the others, we are compassionate to the other children and parents, and we also really like each other as people.  

Communal parenting is what I call it, others have said, "It takes a village."  Recently, my mother, daughter and I took a trip to Israel and London.  At dinner one night, my mother told me that she thought my generation of parents have it so much harder because of the greater pressures to raise our kids, more decisions to make about schools, and the impact of technology on our behaviors.  I appreciate the acknowledgement that times have changed which is why communal parenting is so important to me.  As I continue to raise my kids, I call upon these women to help me, guide me and to love me and my kids.  

And thankfully, they always answer the call.

Love and Gratitude in the Summer

Not writing in a long time was a mistake.  Distraction, frustration and yes, the joys too got in my way.  And now that Rosh HaShanah is here, I am marking the New Year with my first resolution to start writing again and more.  In the past four months, time swiftly passed by as I worked, played, loved and prayed and through it all I learned… a lot! 

As always, my work teaches me so many lessons about the world.  So many people, colleagues and friends are accomplishing great things and simply doing good in the world.  They have specific interests that truly move their spirit and elevate their work.   We listen to donors share their passions and we get inspired.  Contagious, magnetic, and infectious all describe the exchange of energy that takes place every day in my professional life and I am grateful.  My work is passionate – the best and the worst.  We work hard, we feel our cause deeply, and we want to share it with everyone.  And we get frustrated – sometimes too much.  We want people to understand, show up and give time and money.  Like any love story, we want people to love our cause and when they don’t, we hate rejection.   And like in the same love story, we quickly forgive and try again.  Work is not just a job for us, it is hard to leave it at the office, and we are rewarded big time when our young leaders grow up and are the change we guided and nurtured.

In the last two years, I have taken the word vacation seriously and lived it is as a verb.  Last year, in honor of our 15^th wedding anniversary, we took our kids to Puerto Vallarta for 10 days.  And this year, we traveled to Washington, DC, Philadelphia and New York.  Months later, I still smile reliving moments from the trip.  You learn a lot about people when you travel with them, especially your family.  First, my kids are 11 and 6 and great.   And they like to talk a lot… a lot, which is great when you are traveling because without the distraction of television, iPad, cell phones or computers, they are ready to talk about almost anything.  And somehow we, as parents, are less annoying in another part of the world.  In Washington, we loved the museums, the tour of the White House and my favorite, the Monuments by Moonlight tour.  Visiting Lincoln Memorial at night, with all the lights evoked so much emotion.   As I walked up, I tried to put it all in perspective for both kids.  For the 6 year old who loves the Transformers’ movie series, I reminded him of the most recent 3^rd movie where the Lincoln Memorial had been destroyed, revealing the magic of the movies.   For my 11 year old, once we finished climbing the stairs, I put my arm around her and read the entire Gettysburg Address.  As I read these words to my daughter, “The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here,” I realized that this moment would live on for me and hopefully for her.   I embraced this and every moment of our vacation.

I fell in love this summer.  As my husband and I celebrated our 16^th wedding anniversary, I was reminded of what a great guy he is.  He makes me laugh all the time, even if I am crying.  When I’m down, he makes me smile; when I need strength, he holds my hand; he is a great friend and a wonderful father.  Like many marriages, we are not always on the same page, but luckily and with some work, we come back together.  And then there are my friends.  Ten years ago, I had a friendship break up.  People come in and out of life, but when those who have been around a long time leave you, it is sad.  It took a long time for me to treasure new friendships.  Luckily, I have had a best friend who held onto me during all the rocky roads I walked.   With her help, I learned to trust myself and others again.  She has been my friend since I am 11 and she really has taught me love in friendship.   Because of her, I learned to be a better friend and now am fortunate to have close friends who I can count on and who can count on me.

Praying and meditating are the most healing exercises I practiced this summer.  In January, I began a Jewish meditation class that was half meditation and half Torah study.   At the beginning, my expectations were low as I had no idea what to expect.  I had been to one meditative prayer service in December and it was great, different, beautiful and physically affected me.  My reaction was so visceral that when a friend suggested this class, I said yes without hesitation.   It began as an opportunity to learn to meditate and discuss the weekly Torah portion and it grew into a deeper meaningful experience.  In the past, I had felt out of place in synagogue and longed for the ease and comfort that I saw in others.  This group became my minyan, my place to learn Torah and most important, my place to learn to pray with deeper meaning.  I prayed before, I have always considered myself spiritual, engaging in conversations with G-d.  This was different.   Meditation has helped me cope in other areas of my life, not just in synagogue.  Torah study has given me knowledge, confidence and also impacted other areas in my life.  This summer, after six months studying with an amazing spiritual leader, Rabbi Ruth Sohn and an incredible, generous group of people, I came to understand what a gift this is to me.  After searching for years, I found a place to call my own.

So, if it all was so joyous, what was distracting and frustrating – life.  With all good, there is the not-so-good.  Traffic, noise, heat, and all the petty annoyances seem bigger when you are in it.  And as I write this, I realize just how much writing helps to lessen those and remind me of all the joy and gratitude I have for what is my life.

Wishing all who celebrate a sweet and joyful New Year! 

Thoughts from my daughter’s 5th grade graduation

In the span of one week, my son graduated from kindergarten and my daughter graduated from 5^th grade.  My son’s celebration was cute and fun and even funny.  The kids did everything they were supposed to and truly made all the parents very proud.

With my daughter’s graduation, I had a different reaction.  I was transformed watching my daughter and her friends grow up in what felt like 30 seconds.  When she was born, people said, “Enjoy every moment, it goes so fast.”  And I nodded back then as if I understood what they were saying.  As I stood there today, I couldn’t believe how fast it has really gone.  At eleven years old, my daughter and her friends are all on the bridge to becoming teenagers and I feel their excitement, anxiety and curiosity. 

What was also evident today was the joy and sweet spirit in their eyes.  My daughter and most of her friends have been together since pre-school and their friendships deepened over the years.  As my daughter and I talk about her friends, each friendship is as special as the friend.  One is great for laughs, one is a confidant, one is really good in school, all love the same music and all have begun to notice the boys. 

One of the most unique and wonderful qualities I have seen in these friendships, is the kindness and compassion that these girls have shown each other.  Over the past few years, a couple of her friends have gone through some difficult times and they all banded together to help each other deal with sadness, anxiety or fear.  They asserted themselves and stood up to a bully, they supported each other during performances and helped each other with school work. 

I want to hold onto this day for years to come and while I know the memory will fade, I hope that when my daughter and I reflect on it in the future, we can recall the true beauty and spirit in her childhood friendships.