Living in the Majority of Happiness

Finally I put my finger on it. In moments when I was in “neutral,” as when riding the subway, I was the same familiar Gretchen. The difference was that, although my nature was unchanged, I had more happiness in my life each day; my resolutions had added more sources of fun, engagement, and satisfaction and had also eliminated some significant sources of bad feelings, such as guilt and anger. Through my actions, I was successfully pushing myself to the high end of my inborn happiness range.  (Rubin, Gretchen (2009-12-16). The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun (p. 111). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.)

My motivation for buying this book was simply the title.  I had just completed my year of turning 50 and had learned a lot through my writing, meditation and study. What drew me to Gretchen's book is that while I did/do feel better, I wondered what it meant to be happier.  The book is divided by the months and in each month, Gretchen chooses issues in her life that she wants to address and by doing so, she believes she will be happier.  Having gotten to May, I know she is right on her way to a happier and fulfilling life.  In addition, her awareness to making others happy has grown.

What I find so moving about this quote from the book is how much I related to falling into the "same familiar Lori" when I am frustrated or when I become unfocused.  While on our mini-vacation this weekend, my family and I enjoyed 4 days away from home and I was so happy to have nothing to do, no worries about appointments or schedules and all I had to worry about was to make sure that we had enough sunscreen and books to read.  I read for 3 days straight, had beautiful and memorable conversations with my kids and my husband, and it was clear (again) that even 4 days away from our house allows us to reconnect and unwind.

And still in my joy of the few days, there are the tiniest voices that rise when I am not concentrating.  Comparing myself to others does not happen with the same frequency thanks to my own journey to happiness.  However, as I sat at the pool, I couldn't help but have those thoughts take over.  So hideous is my own negative voice, I won't even write it here.

When we arrived home today, my husband and I talked about it.  He is my best friend and I can share my most vulnerable thoughts with him.  We talked about how many things we do right, how together we run a household and raise two kids, and though we see things differently, we manage to still hold hands and laugh.

I may still have moments of insecurity and frustration, but who doesn't?  My life now is to focus on finding solutions and being productive.  Sometimes it is difficult, time-consuming and exhausting, but more than that my life is filled with accomplishment, gratitude, and love.  If it was a pie chart or percentage, the good in my life is way above 51%.  It wasn't/isn't always, but I am more confident now that ever that as I continue to learn from great writers and thinkers, I will live in the majority of happiness.

Speak Up and Say Something Nice

In the past few days, I have noticed how often people choose to criticize rather than promote.  Among family, friends and professionals, optimism takes a backseat to cynicism.  As an optimist, solution finder, and high energy laugh out loud spirit, I am saddened when I feel alone as I raise up against those  who want to disagree all the time.

At a recent lunch, I asked someone to advocate in an upcoming meeting.  He didn't think it was necessary because it goes without saying how much he supports this issue.  It was at that moment that I realized that those who stay silent think we all know what they are thinking.

Please, SPEAK UP!

We don't know what your are thinking.  For years, I have encouraged people to thank, express gratitude and offer positive feedback so that people know how they have impacted you.  There is no greater gift to another than sharing with them how much a moment with them touched your life.

Rabbi Kerry Olitzky's books have helped me during some of the darker times in my life.  Here is today's excerpt.


March 13 - The Wisdom of Silence: Silence is a fence for wisdom. PIRKEI AVOT 3:13
We usually think about fences as protective devices. They protect what is inside them from whatever or whoever is outside. But fences work in two ways. They prevent what is inside from getting outside. In some cases, one fence is not enough. In prisons, for example, one fence prevents prisoners from reaching the second fence. The Rabbis of Pirkei Avot are constructing yet another kind of fence-a fence of silence. This fence may prevent wisdom from escaping. It is also suggesting that too many words can have a deleterious effect on wisdom. If wisdom is gained through reflecting on our experiences, then we have to be quiet enough to listen to what the experience is teaching us.


If wisdom is gained through reflecting on our experiences, then we have to be quiet enough to listen to what the experience is teaching us. Then after we realize what we have learned, we can offer a blessing of thanks to our teacher, whoever that may be, and to God for giving us the ability to discern it.

Kerry M. Olitzky. Life's Daily Blessings: Inspiring Reflections on Gratitude and Joy for Every Day, Based on Jewish Wisdom (Kindle Location 653). Kindle Edition.



As I have struggled these past few days with having so much on my plate and worrying about how I will get it all done, my family, friends and colleagues have shown extraordinary kindness and have reached out to comfort me.  I recognize that as true love and friendship.  And while I sit and deal with my every day anxieties, I know that there are so many who are in far greater pain than I and that I never forget.

Thank you for reading my blog, sharing your thoughts with me and showing me kindness when I need it most.  As with the last post, I feel better already.

Sweet dreams...

A Meditation for Chanukah

In celebration of Chanukah, I wish you all eight nights of joy, laughter, deep connection, and hope you are surrounded by many loved ones.  I know that holidays can be stressful and can cause anxiety.  This Chanukah, I offer these opportunities to meditate in order of elevate your experience.

5 minute mediation – Find a quiet spot.  As you breathe in – think happiness.  As you breathe out, think sadness.  Repeat these.  If other words help your breathing, you can use them.    Strength/Weakness, Love/Hate, Compassion/Indifference. 

10 minute meditation – Find a quiet spot.  Begin breathing and visualize a safe and comforting place.   Breathe slowly.  Begin an exercise of blessing yourself with thoughts of kindness, strength, compassion and peace.  Then bless others with thoughts of kindness, strength, strength, compassion and peace.

30 minute – Find a quiet spot.  Select a piece of music that is peaceful and calming.  Breathe deeply and slowly.  Envision a beautiful spot for you to focus.  Imagine a flickering candle.  Let its imaginary flame light you up inside and warm your soul.  Allow your body to relax and check in with your body for any aches and pains.  Don’t ignore them, embrace them and own them.  As your mind wanders, return to the flame or your beautiful spot.

Meditation stops my world fom going crazy for a few minutes.  You may find your meditation in different ways – a walk, a run, reading, or playing tennis.   Choose something you enjoy that forces you to focus on it so that you have a few moments to get back to yourself. 

 

 

Witnessing Gratitude

Twenty years ago, an eleven year old girl and her family received boxes filled with food from strangers.  Living in war-torn Bosnia-Herzegovina, she didn’t know where the boxes came from, but could sense from the writing on the outside, it was from far away.  She would find out years later that the American Joint Distribution Committee (JDC) was responsible for those boxes that helped her family survive.  During that time, her mother decided to send her and her sister to Israel for summer camp.  The summer was fun, safe and away from the crisis at home.  At the end of the summer, she and her sister would not return home.  For safety, they stayed in Israel and through programs funded by The Jewish Federation and JDC, she and her sister thrived and wouldn’t return home until six years later.  Within days of arriving in Bosnia-Herzegovina, she realized that this was no longer her home and in two weeks she returned to Israel. 

This week, I met this woman now in her early 30’s.  As she learned of those strangers who helped her and her family, her Jewish identity was shaped by the immense gratitude she felt toward a community who cared for her as a little girl.  As I introduced her to donors and she said, “Thank you for rescuing me and giving me my life,” donors witnessed the impact of their dollars.  It is a rare and special moment when donors meet the recipient who was nourished by their gift physically, emotionally and spiritually.   Donors were especially moved when she shared that her life today is dedicated to giving back to the community and working as a Jewish Professional.

Today, I’m grateful for my family, for colleagues here and around the world and for the generosity of strangers who faithfully donate their money to change the lives of strangers.

 

Love and Gratitude in the Summer

Not writing in a long time was a mistake.  Distraction, frustration and yes, the joys too got in my way.  And now that Rosh HaShanah is here, I am marking the New Year with my first resolution to start writing again and more.  In the past four months, time swiftly passed by as I worked, played, loved and prayed and through it all I learned… a lot! 

As always, my work teaches me so many lessons about the world.  So many people, colleagues and friends are accomplishing great things and simply doing good in the world.  They have specific interests that truly move their spirit and elevate their work.   We listen to donors share their passions and we get inspired.  Contagious, magnetic, and infectious all describe the exchange of energy that takes place every day in my professional life and I am grateful.  My work is passionate – the best and the worst.  We work hard, we feel our cause deeply, and we want to share it with everyone.  And we get frustrated – sometimes too much.  We want people to understand, show up and give time and money.  Like any love story, we want people to love our cause and when they don’t, we hate rejection.   And like in the same love story, we quickly forgive and try again.  Work is not just a job for us, it is hard to leave it at the office, and we are rewarded big time when our young leaders grow up and are the change we guided and nurtured.

In the last two years, I have taken the word vacation seriously and lived it is as a verb.  Last year, in honor of our 15^th wedding anniversary, we took our kids to Puerto Vallarta for 10 days.  And this year, we traveled to Washington, DC, Philadelphia and New York.  Months later, I still smile reliving moments from the trip.  You learn a lot about people when you travel with them, especially your family.  First, my kids are 11 and 6 and great.   And they like to talk a lot… a lot, which is great when you are traveling because without the distraction of television, iPad, cell phones or computers, they are ready to talk about almost anything.  And somehow we, as parents, are less annoying in another part of the world.  In Washington, we loved the museums, the tour of the White House and my favorite, the Monuments by Moonlight tour.  Visiting Lincoln Memorial at night, with all the lights evoked so much emotion.   As I walked up, I tried to put it all in perspective for both kids.  For the 6 year old who loves the Transformers’ movie series, I reminded him of the most recent 3^rd movie where the Lincoln Memorial had been destroyed, revealing the magic of the movies.   For my 11 year old, once we finished climbing the stairs, I put my arm around her and read the entire Gettysburg Address.  As I read these words to my daughter, “The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here,” I realized that this moment would live on for me and hopefully for her.   I embraced this and every moment of our vacation.

I fell in love this summer.  As my husband and I celebrated our 16^th wedding anniversary, I was reminded of what a great guy he is.  He makes me laugh all the time, even if I am crying.  When I’m down, he makes me smile; when I need strength, he holds my hand; he is a great friend and a wonderful father.  Like many marriages, we are not always on the same page, but luckily and with some work, we come back together.  And then there are my friends.  Ten years ago, I had a friendship break up.  People come in and out of life, but when those who have been around a long time leave you, it is sad.  It took a long time for me to treasure new friendships.  Luckily, I have had a best friend who held onto me during all the rocky roads I walked.   With her help, I learned to trust myself and others again.  She has been my friend since I am 11 and she really has taught me love in friendship.   Because of her, I learned to be a better friend and now am fortunate to have close friends who I can count on and who can count on me.

Praying and meditating are the most healing exercises I practiced this summer.  In January, I began a Jewish meditation class that was half meditation and half Torah study.   At the beginning, my expectations were low as I had no idea what to expect.  I had been to one meditative prayer service in December and it was great, different, beautiful and physically affected me.  My reaction was so visceral that when a friend suggested this class, I said yes without hesitation.   It began as an opportunity to learn to meditate and discuss the weekly Torah portion and it grew into a deeper meaningful experience.  In the past, I had felt out of place in synagogue and longed for the ease and comfort that I saw in others.  This group became my minyan, my place to learn Torah and most important, my place to learn to pray with deeper meaning.  I prayed before, I have always considered myself spiritual, engaging in conversations with G-d.  This was different.   Meditation has helped me cope in other areas of my life, not just in synagogue.  Torah study has given me knowledge, confidence and also impacted other areas in my life.  This summer, after six months studying with an amazing spiritual leader, Rabbi Ruth Sohn and an incredible, generous group of people, I came to understand what a gift this is to me.  After searching for years, I found a place to call my own.

So, if it all was so joyous, what was distracting and frustrating – life.  With all good, there is the not-so-good.  Traffic, noise, heat, and all the petty annoyances seem bigger when you are in it.  And as I write this, I realize just how much writing helps to lessen those and remind me of all the joy and gratitude I have for what is my life.

Wishing all who celebrate a sweet and joyful New Year!