Words Can Help Me Find My Way

When I read or hear something that strikes me to my core, I carry it with me.  Earlier in the month, I got invited to the launch party for Unscrolled.  I bought the book that night and have read each interpretation during the week of its Torah portion.  It is a wonderful and creative learning experience.  So thank you Reboot for this incredible project.

One of my favorites is the first piece by Josh Radnor.  Below are the first 7 lines which I find so deep in truth not just for him, but for so many of us.

Lord, hear my prayer—

1          My mind is filled with falsehoods about You.
2          Today let me rewrite.
3          Give me the courage to delete the rotten first second third and hundredth drafts
4          That deny You,
5          That blame You,
6          That slander You.
7          It is time.

Here is the complete prayer - Josh Radnor's prayer

In meditation this week, we talked about Jacob and Esau, but I found myself mentally wandering back to Jacob's wrestling with G-d/the stranger.  I was struck by how connected I was to that moment in the Torah.

I have been challenged in my life and when I found myself on the other side,  I was simply grateful that the dark period had ended and the sun was shining again; I was no longer clouded.  I only now see that I had been wrestling with the spiritual piece though I was unable to articulate it.  I think I have always been connected to G-d in someway and not alway able to put words to the feeling.   When real trauma struck me, I was unprepared.  Through immersing myself in family, friendship and community, I learned to breath again and walk with purpose. What was most surprising was my need to learn to pray.  Whether in English or Hebrew, or old verse or modern, the poetry of messages to G-d have helped me find my way when I feel lost.  This need only grows as my learning continues.

Like Jacob, following the wrestling/trauma, I walk away scarred like Jacob's limp.  What I love about the metaphor of Jacob's limp, is that he is forced to walk differently, maybe slower, maybe with more focus.  I may not have a physical limp, but I am changed by each difficult experience.  And with each scar that I carry, I hold onto it to remind me to be grateful and to remember what those moments in my life meant to me.

And as Josh wrote in his prayer, I have a few drafts to write, and somehow I will find the words.

Longing for Connection

With Passover just days away and as my friends are furiously preparing their kitchens for the sacred ritual of cleansing their homes, I did a little spring cleaning of my own.  While I don't clean out my kitchen and adhere to the traditional rituals, I want to participate in some way to signify the holiday and do some good.

Giving away clothes is how the holiday manifests in my house.  I began with my drawers first, then my daughter's and next will be my son's.  There is great relief in giving away clothes.  Purging and cleansing offers satisfaction inwardly and outwardly.  Knowing that others will benefit from our give-aways is reward itself, but there is a quiet relief that I am experiencing as I remove the old clothes from our home.

This experience reminds me how lucky and grateful I am to have more than enough.   As my kids grow out of their clothes and I shift my favorites, it is the work of moving the clothes from our closet to the bags with my kids helping that makes the effort even more rewarding.  

But what happens when you want a spiritual and internal cleanse?  Without tangible evidence, how does this journey become real or complete?  How do we renew our faith, passion and commitment?

In our meditation class today, we discussed the importance of rituals and how some enhance the spiritual experience.  Two years ago, I was searching to feel more whole. My dad had passed away, there were some professional transitions, and I felt pulled towards my synagogue but couldn't connect to those who were more observant than me.  I am naturally optimistic, people would describe me as upbeat and I live in gratitude.  But during that time, I was feeling angry, sad, hurt and I imagine a bit lost.  

And then one day it happened.  I felt what others talked about and what I saw it their eyes - spiritual renewal.  My family had participated in our synagogue's family weekend in previous years and I had felt the pull before, but in the winter of 2011, I felt a new and more powerful connection. 

During that retreat, I attended a special service for morning prayers.  In the early morning of Shabbat, the Rabbi and the Cantor led us in beautiful meditative prayers that I had never experienced before.  In that service, I was renewed, grateful and I found something different that connected me to prayer. Whatever anger, sadness or confusion I was holding onto had been released...physically.  My clenched fists were now open palms, my mind was racing with new creative energy and my smile was sincere.  My heart was full and the entire weekend was magical.  

As soon I returned home, I shared my experience with will all that would listen.  After speaking to a friend with whom I had recently reconnected, she invited me to a meditation class at my synagogue...MY SYNAGOGUE!  An invitation from her to join her proved to be the place I had longed for and needed in my life.  Now fourteen months later, that meditation class is my ritual.  I am deeply committed to this class, this friendship and prayer circle with women (some men attend) that feeds my mind and my soul. 

Rituals are good.  Spirituality elevates our rituals and/or rituals bring us to spirituality.  Either way, as in those morning prayers, I am grateful for the awakening and the breath of G-d.

Have Faith and Say a Prayer

A couple of weeks ago, my friend gave me a special prayer book entitled “Aneni.”   I have always had faith, but receiving this book was something different.  I have only used it once, but I have to admit that I really enjoy just having it in my purse.  Whenever I have to reach into my bag, I see it and it makes me feel better. 

Since I started meditating early last year, I have learned to pray.  I was always comfortable talking to G-d, usually in my car or on a walk.   I would try to pray for others in synagogue and it always felt forced.  But now my prayers are more thoughtful and more focused.  It gives me a greater sense of peace.

The book is in both Hebrew and English.  I used to think too much about my inability to read Hebrew and now I have found beauty and wonder in saying the prayers in English. 

Anyone can pray.  Anyone can meditate.  Meditating or praying to slow down for at least 30 minutes a week has helped to stop my mind from spinning its tales of anxiety, insecurity and worry.  I didn’t believe it at first.  I began in January and now nine months later, I have noticed significant and positive changes in my mood, attitude, and productivity.

Here is my prayer for tonight – I pray that  those who are struggling can see some hope and they take a moment to say a prayer for themselves and for others.

Love and Gratitude in the Summer

Not writing in a long time was a mistake.  Distraction, frustration and yes, the joys too got in my way.  And now that Rosh HaShanah is here, I am marking the New Year with my first resolution to start writing again and more.  In the past four months, time swiftly passed by as I worked, played, loved and prayed and through it all I learned… a lot! 

As always, my work teaches me so many lessons about the world.  So many people, colleagues and friends are accomplishing great things and simply doing good in the world.  They have specific interests that truly move their spirit and elevate their work.   We listen to donors share their passions and we get inspired.  Contagious, magnetic, and infectious all describe the exchange of energy that takes place every day in my professional life and I am grateful.  My work is passionate – the best and the worst.  We work hard, we feel our cause deeply, and we want to share it with everyone.  And we get frustrated – sometimes too much.  We want people to understand, show up and give time and money.  Like any love story, we want people to love our cause and when they don’t, we hate rejection.   And like in the same love story, we quickly forgive and try again.  Work is not just a job for us, it is hard to leave it at the office, and we are rewarded big time when our young leaders grow up and are the change we guided and nurtured.

In the last two years, I have taken the word vacation seriously and lived it is as a verb.  Last year, in honor of our 15^th wedding anniversary, we took our kids to Puerto Vallarta for 10 days.  And this year, we traveled to Washington, DC, Philadelphia and New York.  Months later, I still smile reliving moments from the trip.  You learn a lot about people when you travel with them, especially your family.  First, my kids are 11 and 6 and great.   And they like to talk a lot… a lot, which is great when you are traveling because without the distraction of television, iPad, cell phones or computers, they are ready to talk about almost anything.  And somehow we, as parents, are less annoying in another part of the world.  In Washington, we loved the museums, the tour of the White House and my favorite, the Monuments by Moonlight tour.  Visiting Lincoln Memorial at night, with all the lights evoked so much emotion.   As I walked up, I tried to put it all in perspective for both kids.  For the 6 year old who loves the Transformers’ movie series, I reminded him of the most recent 3^rd movie where the Lincoln Memorial had been destroyed, revealing the magic of the movies.   For my 11 year old, once we finished climbing the stairs, I put my arm around her and read the entire Gettysburg Address.  As I read these words to my daughter, “The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here,” I realized that this moment would live on for me and hopefully for her.   I embraced this and every moment of our vacation.

I fell in love this summer.  As my husband and I celebrated our 16^th wedding anniversary, I was reminded of what a great guy he is.  He makes me laugh all the time, even if I am crying.  When I’m down, he makes me smile; when I need strength, he holds my hand; he is a great friend and a wonderful father.  Like many marriages, we are not always on the same page, but luckily and with some work, we come back together.  And then there are my friends.  Ten years ago, I had a friendship break up.  People come in and out of life, but when those who have been around a long time leave you, it is sad.  It took a long time for me to treasure new friendships.  Luckily, I have had a best friend who held onto me during all the rocky roads I walked.   With her help, I learned to trust myself and others again.  She has been my friend since I am 11 and she really has taught me love in friendship.   Because of her, I learned to be a better friend and now am fortunate to have close friends who I can count on and who can count on me.

Praying and meditating are the most healing exercises I practiced this summer.  In January, I began a Jewish meditation class that was half meditation and half Torah study.   At the beginning, my expectations were low as I had no idea what to expect.  I had been to one meditative prayer service in December and it was great, different, beautiful and physically affected me.  My reaction was so visceral that when a friend suggested this class, I said yes without hesitation.   It began as an opportunity to learn to meditate and discuss the weekly Torah portion and it grew into a deeper meaningful experience.  In the past, I had felt out of place in synagogue and longed for the ease and comfort that I saw in others.  This group became my minyan, my place to learn Torah and most important, my place to learn to pray with deeper meaning.  I prayed before, I have always considered myself spiritual, engaging in conversations with G-d.  This was different.   Meditation has helped me cope in other areas of my life, not just in synagogue.  Torah study has given me knowledge, confidence and also impacted other areas in my life.  This summer, after six months studying with an amazing spiritual leader, Rabbi Ruth Sohn and an incredible, generous group of people, I came to understand what a gift this is to me.  After searching for years, I found a place to call my own.

So, if it all was so joyous, what was distracting and frustrating – life.  With all good, there is the not-so-good.  Traffic, noise, heat, and all the petty annoyances seem bigger when you are in it.  And as I write this, I realize just how much writing helps to lessen those and remind me of all the joy and gratitude I have for what is my life.

Wishing all who celebrate a sweet and joyful New Year!