Learning with Rabbis - Today I Noticed

If you told me 20 years ago that I would be immersed in my synagogue, studying with Rabbis and even calling some of them friends (the real kind, not like on Facebook), I would have laughed and told you that you were crazy.  Luckily, this is what my life is today and for that I am extremely grateful.  As we say in meditation, today I noticed.

First, a little background: I would periodically attend shul because my kids attended the adjoining school and my husband worked at the school as well.  It was my obligation to show up for my family and to participate in all the required activities.  I enjoyed many of them, but I began to notice that I didn't have my own relationship with the shul, school and Rabbis.  Then my dad died, and then my father-in-law died and through the shiva minyans, I saw that I was part of a beautiful community.  (Shiva brings out the best in a community).  I began to be drawn in, but without regularity.  And then it happened.  At a Shabbaton, Rabbi Kligfeld and the then Cantor Magda Fishman gave the most beautiful and thoughtful morning prayers service.  They discussed them, we sang them - no we chanted them and it was transformative. I physically felt different and I told my husband later that I now understood what people meant by a powerful meditative experience.

Within a week of that Shabbaton, my friend told me about a meditation service at my shul ( I had no idea) and I didn't miss a beat, "I will be there."  From the first meditation and learning experience with Rabbi Ruth Sohn, I knew that this is where I had to be.  That was 2 years and 9 months ago (but who is counting).  I rarely miss it.  In fact, I have even led some.  Each week brings me closer to Judaism and to ritual.  There is still a lot to learn, but I can definitely say that I have my own beautiful and rewarding partnership with my shul.

So why did I notice this morning?  Because today was a 2 parter.  I went to my regular meditation minyan Rabbi Ruth Sohn and then attended a Torah study with Rabbi Adam Kligfeld.  Both experiences were fulfilling in ways I wasn't expecting and again, thanks to meditation I noticed.

1. I am no longer afraid of that voice telling me I don't know enough Hebrew, Torah, or Talmud.  The truth is clear - I don't, so that is why I want to know more.  But it is not about whether I know enough compared to others, it is about my own comfort level in the group and honestly, I just love listening to the discussion.  I chime in when I can and appreciate all the different thoughts and ideas that are voiced.
2. Rabbis (at least mine) are very kind.  They appreciate all who show up to learn and say thank you when you share an idea.  "Glad you brought that up."  "Thank you for sharing."  
3. When I leave shul, I am aware of how these lessons will carry me through my week.  And I look forward to returning the following week.
4. I have started attending Friday night services.  I still feel like the least experienced participant in the room, but again, I don't care.  The singing and the teaching from the Rabbi helps me end my week and think about Shabbat as more than just Saturday morning services.
5. I am grateful to all who meditated and studied today - I loved every minute with you.  Your presence is also why today was so special.

Looking forward to more and more.  Wishing you all a week of learning and noticing.  And if you want, join us at Temple Beth Am.  

Lessons on Meditation - The Gift of Being Together

Over two years ago, I began my journey of meditation when I bravely walked into new group I found through a friend.  The group was at my shul, right in the building that I had prayed, celebrated and mourned.  There it was and by the time I finished the meditation, I knew something was different.  In the past 2 years, I don't think I have missed more than a handful of Shabbat mornings.

Today, I did want to sleep in, but I know better.  It was another extraordinary experience.  Two new guides who both brought great learning and safety to the group.  Our group is typically led by Rabbi Ruth Sohn, but when she is away, we each volunteer to teach and lead the group in a meaningful discussion.

Today, there were tears, some for missing loved ones, some for celebrating new paths and some for the journeys and goals that had been accomplished.

As we discussed the Torah portion, B'midar, we all shared our personal experiences and in two random instances, we took a moment to celebrate of our participants who were celebrating a significant milestone.  Randomness feels like magic.  I didn't see it coming, but the impact of the two moments felt so rich with that tingle, it is what transforms our conference room into holy space.   And I am sure that I saw a twinkle in the eyes of our speakers.

In Chapter 2 of B'midbar, it states, "The LORD spoke to Moses and Aaron, saying: The Israelits shall camp each with his standard, under the banners of their ancestral house; they shall camp around the Tent of Meeting at a distance."  Our guide shared this midrash, also explained in the Etz Chaim, "A person's identity consists of three elements: the self (the standard), the family (the ancestral banners), and the community (the Tent of Meeting).  Over the past two years, I don't ever remember reading this phrase with such clarity as I did today.  This is what we strive to achieve for ourselves, for our families and for our community.  And in the past few days, I have thought about how to deepen my commitment to myself, to my family and to the community.  My spiritual growth over the past few years has been transformative and continues.

Today is not a new year, nor a Jewish holiday, or even some commercial national holiday, and yet, it is Shabbat and I get to renew my commitments, continue to learn to create my standard (self) and work to build positive relationships with my family and be active in my community to give back and share our life events.

Yesterday, I read this from Restful Reflections, p. 113, Acquisitions, by Rabbi Kerry Olitzky
"With all your getting, get understanding." Proverbs 4:7

...Some things can be acquired only by learning through our experience with living.  And these things are not acquired overnight.  They take time, as we take hold of them little by little.
So the writers of the Book of Proverbs advise us to change our focus.  Stop buying things.  Instead, get understanding.  It's good advice to sleep on. 

Stuff is not the answer to my happiness and growth, it is through understanding that will allow me to know myself, connect with my family and my community.

Sweet dreams,

I'm Starving, but not for Food

Nine months ago I embarked on what I hope is the last attempt to manage my weight.  Feeling like I had come to a place of deep despair, I signed up with Jenny Craig in West Hollywood and over the course of the last few months have lost almost just over 25 lbs.  I have considered writing about it before but I always stopped for a variety of reasons.  Today I decided to write when I used words like "starving," "drink in," and "a thirst" when describing my desire for learning and spiritual meditation.  I realized the power of these words in their new form and that as I said them they did not evoke any need to eat.

Struggling with my weight has always been an issue for me even when I was thin.  Today, even though I am not yet at my goal, I do feel better and am so proud of what I accomplished.

And here is my big "aha" moment:  Over the past 3 weeks, my plate has been full of good, sad, happy,  scary, overly chaotic and way more personalities thrown into the mix than needed.  In all that chaos, my old habits of reaching for the sweet or salty thinking that will help have been broken.  Old habits have been broken - say it loud and proud!  Now when I feel bad, I clean, pick up my book (currently reading "Gone With the Wind) or write a post for my blog.

Now it gives me great joy to say the following:

• I'm starving for some prayer and learning
• I can't quench my thirst for reading
• This book is so great, I'm drinking it all in. 

This is likely be the only post I write about my weight as it is extremely personal, but it has been on my mind and wanted to share my new taste of freedom.  See I used the word taste.  And this one is truly delicious.  A special thanks to Christy at Jenny Craig for her guidance and kindness through this entire process.  My memory of that first meeting at the Jenny Craig office is one filled with great sadness.  I knew that I was sad, but my memory is even shrouded in darkness.  I'm not sure when the dark cloud lifted but through this process, I have been able to let go of the burden that comes with all the worry about weight, food, how much, how little, should I or shouldn't I.  To be free of all this is truly an achievement and I am truly grateful for my new better self.

And I could not have done it without the practice of meditation.  Meditation allowed and forced me to seek the truth and to live in it.  I'm not perfect, but I could not ignore what I am physically and spiritually able to fix.  Slowly, but surely.

Shabbat Shalom, may you find what it is that brings you freedom and if you need help, ask. 

Morning Meditation - You Can Try This At Home

Today, I was blessed to lead meditation.  Thank you to all who participated.

When I was preparing, I used my inspiration from last week.  These words stuck with me all week and helped me during some stressful moments in the week.  Below is the guided meditation that I led this morning and I hope you can benefit from it too.


Love
Be Kind
Heal
Find Peace

I invite you to be open yourself up and begin with some deep and focused breaths.

Feel your feet.  They are our foundation. With every step, we are in movement.  We take action by simply moving our feet.

Move up to your calfs.  Feel the strength in your calfs, your knees and your thighs.  Appreciate their abilities and the miracle in how they work together.

Move up to your pelvis, stomach, and chest.  This equipment that helps us move, survive and breathe are amazing.  Even sitting still, our insides are always moving, keeping us alive and going.

Think about your arms and shoulders. They reach for you, they hug for you and help you carry the burdens.

Your neck and head are the top of the body.  Some of you shared before that you carry tension in your neck and shoulders.  Focus on a few deep breaths to allow the tension to leave your body whether it is here or elsewhere in your body.

Now begin your journey to deeper meditation with the following words:
Love - Be Kind - Heal - Find Peace

Using these words as a road map, use your meditation as a walk on a thoughtful path.

Love  - I invite you to immerse yourself in love.  As you focus your breathing, think of those who bring you love.  Think of those who you love.  As you take a few breaths, focus on one who needs your love right now.

Be Kind - I invite you now to immerse yourself in kindness.  As you focus your breathing, think of those who have shown you kindness.  Think of those who need your kindness.  As you take a few breaths, focus on one who needs your kindness right now.

Heal - I invite you now to immerse yourself in healing.  As you focus your breathing, think of those who have helped you heal.  Think of those who you have helped to heal.  As you take a few breaths, focus on one who needs healing right now.

Find Peace - I invite you now to immerse yourself in peace.  As you focus your breathing, think of those who offer you peace.  Think of those who have helped you find peace.  As you take a few breaths, focus on one who needs peace right now.

Love
Be Kind
Heal
Find Peace

As we take the next 10 minutes for silent meditation, think of these words  as a journey themselves- love, be kind, heal, find peace

(10 minutes of silent meditation)

Take one more minute on your path.  Love, Be Kind, Heal, Find Peace.

Meditation - What's Your Color?

I did it!  I led my first meditation yesterday.  Inspired by the story of Noah, I used the colors of the rainbow as the sequence to lead our group in a thoughtful meditation.  I began with a chant that I found on Rabbi Shefa Gold's website - www.rabbishefagold.com 

"Raba emunatekha"

How great is your faithfulness!

As I started the guided meditation, I asked everyone to imagine a storm that has just ended and now you can see the rainbow.  As I guided through each color of the rainbow, I gave some specific examples of objects of color:

Red - apples, pomegranates, red hills, bricks, and roses.

Orange - carrots, flowers, goldfish, pumpkins, the flame of a Shabbat candle

Yellow - lemons, sunflowers, warm sunshine

Green - plants, leaves of a tree, grass

Blue - all the shades of the ocean, beautiful dolphins jumping in the ocean, waterfalls
Violet - lavender, juicy plums, grapes on a vine

To complete the meditation, I asked everyone to select the color that calmed them the most and to wrap themselves in it like blanket.  

 What is your color?  Which color comforts you?  

Following the meditation, I used the text from Rabbi Shefa Gold's Torah Journey's (which can also be found on her website) for our discussion.  Below is her "guidance for practice" which I encourage you to use. 


FAITHFULNESS CHANT AND MEDITATION

There is a sacred phrase in the morning liturgy:
"Raba emunatekha"
How great is your faithfulness!

With this prayer, I acknowledge God's profound faith in me.  God's faith in me soothes the trembling in my soul and awakens my own faith.

CHANT THIS PHRASE for a while, directing your heart towards a loving Presence.

AFTER SOME TIME, sit quietly and bring your attention to the soles of your feet. Feel God's loving attention seeing and knowing and loving every inch of your body, moving your attention up to the ankles, calves, knees, thighs... letting yourself be completely seen, known and loved... releasing any shame or hiddenness... allowing every part of you to be accepted by God's loving attention... moving your attention up to the genitals, belly, hips, waist, chest, arms, hands... letting God's gaze touch every wrinkle and crevice with complete acceptance... completely seen, completely known, completely loved... moving up your neck, face, between every hair on your head.

WHEN YOU REACH the top of your head, bring your attention to the breath, and imagine breathing in and out from every pore at once, your whole body alive with God's attention in you.

COMPLETE THE MEDITATION by chanting "Raba Emunatekha"

It was a wonderful experience and I am grateful to our group for allowing me to guide them.  This experience will carry into my week and in case you are curious, my color is blue.

My Jewish Journey

There are a lot of studies and even more discussions about what is the most impactful Jewish experience that keeps one engaged in the Jewish community and nurtures one's desire to have a rich Jewish life (whatever that is).

So here is an quick rundown of my Jewish experiences - good, bad, or just is.

1. When I was 8, I told my mother that I hated Hebrew school and since girls were not required to have a bat mitzvah, my parents let me pass on this rite of passage.
2. I tried Jewish camp when I was 12, and it was not great.  I hurt my ankle after the first week and remained on the sidelines for the rest of the time.  I never went back.
3. My high school was predominantly Jewish and that became how I expressed my Judaism.
4. In college, I also hung out with mostly Jewish friends - whether they were good or bad for me was never in question.
5. Following college, I worked in the entertainment industry and realized that I was looking for something deeper.  I took a few classes of Torah study and Hebrew language.  Somewhere I panicked and didn't continue. 
6. I returned to synagogue regularly when Rabbi Joseph Telushkin became the Rabbi for Synagogue for the Performing Arts in Los Angeles.  I loved learning from him and was sad when he returned to New York.  
7. I decided to leave the entertainment industry and took a job at the Simon Wiesenthal Center.  For many reasons (Jewish and secular), this position fueled my passion for learning in a way that I had been looking for and had not previously experienced in any other professional capacity.
8. When I got married, the ceremony became the focal point for me and everything else I left up to others.   Following our wedding, my new husband and I participated in two Shabbatons at Brandeis for Newly Married Couples.  We loved it and it ignited a Jewish spark.  We were so moved by the 2nd experience, Perry and I renewed our vows impromptu following the Saturday planned programming.
9. I begin working at The Jewish Federation and for a while my Jewish profession is also my religious Jewish expression.  I can't separate them.
10. The birth of my daughter was a very powerful Jewish experience.   Perry and I had a strong urge to give her a baby naming that meant something special.  A variety of circumstances allowed it to take place on her 8th marking for me the non-gender ownership of the 8th day.  
11. The next important Jewish experience was my adult bat-mitzvah at 42 years old.  It was an incredible experience and like many momentous occasions, the event was a complete blur and I feel like I missed it.   The year-long study with Rabbi Mark Borovitz was what made the experience meaning and rewarding.
12. Next, Perry begins teaching at Pressman Academy and I become pregnant.  These two experiences deepened our connection to Pressman and Temple Beth Am and I began attending shul more often.
13. Work again becomes a greater time commitment and allows me to travel to Israel several times.  Each of these trips give me a new perspective on the land and on my own religious views.
14. Our family begins participating in the Temple Beth Am family Shabbaton several years on a row.  With each of these experiences, I return to Los Angeles with a new desire for learning the prayers and Torah text.
15. And then I found Meditation Plus with Rabbi Ruth Sohn at Temple Beth Am ( or it found me) and it has been the most impactful Jewish experience I have had in my adult life.  I attend every Shabbat and have for the past 18 months.  This experience alone has made a huge impact on my life. I believe this weekly experience excites and engages me a new way that sparks the desire for new challenges.  With Meditation Plus, I even grew to facilitate some discussions.  
16. I just became part of the Sisterhood at Temple Beth Am.  After only one meeting, I have found a place with great women who want to learn like me.  
17. I become the Co-President of the Jewish Communal Professionals of Southern California.  Accepting this position makes it clear to me that this is part of my Jewish path.  Working to advocate for all Jewish Communal Professionals is coming from my Jewish soul.
18. My daughter's bat-mitzvah is coming up and this experience is already making an impact on our family.  I am committed to making sure the bat-mitzah has meaning for my daughter, my family and Perry and me.  This is truly a family and friends project. 

Seeing it all written like this makes me realize that while I had felt a loss at not having some of these Jewish experiences as child, my adult life is rich with wonderful Jewish experiences.  And best of all, today I belong to a community that is nurturing, loving and all striving to be productive and healing members of our community.  I am truly blessed.

Shabbat Shalom...

Align Your Voices

In the past few weeks, I participated in two extraordinary healing meditations with Dina Bernat-Kunin. There were several profound moments that occurred for me, but what sticks most is how Dina gave clarity to the voices within us.  And this is my interpretation:

Head voice - My practical, analytical voice that turns a problem over and over to come up with the "right" answer.

Heart voice - My compassionate, kind and more forgiving voice that allows me to see another's perspective.  I am more open to the "grays' of the situation.

Gut voice - My impulsive or that pull that guides me to make a decision because "it feels right."

This gave me such clarity as I had been lost inside my head recently with my own internal conflicts.  What to do?  What to say?  I come to an answer because all the facts prove my point, but I know that someone could be hurt or upset if I speak factually.  Or I need to say something right now because this information must be heard but it can also have some ripple effect that could impact negatively on others.

After my sessions with Dina, it became clear to me that working to get these three voices aligned will make my decisions feel right, clear, and soulful.  It is the process that helps me see the issue from all these sides and it is this process that gives me the clarity to own my decisions with greater strength, hold them closer to my heart and feel them in my gut.

It also reminded me that it is not about right or wrong, it is about how I learn to feel that my decision is the best for me at this time in my life.  Nothing is perfect, but with my head, heart and gut working together, answers come more freely and with greater confidence.

For more information about Dina, visit her website -
dinabernatkunin.com

This Week I Felt Like A Rebel

In the past eighteen months, I have attended meditation and Torah study at shul almost every weekend. It is the best book club ever.  Week to week we read the stories of the Torah and apply the lessons to our every day life.  Visions of walking with any one of the Jewish leaders brings me back every week to learn more.  This is the longest I have ever stayed connected to a group.  The wisdom and simple connection that I feel when our group shares our thoughts and experience is elevating.  And of course, the lessons seem to speak to me because of an issue that I am dealing with either personally or professionally.

This week is no different.  One of the great teachers we study is Rabbi Shefa Gold. In her book, "Torah Journeys," Rabbi Gold teaches about the rebel within.  Below is the spiritual challenge she offers with this week's torah portion.

As we celebrate Shabbat this weekend, take a moment to meditate with this guidance.  Thank you Rabbi Gold for the beautiful teaching and your nurturing wisdom.

REFINING THE REBEL WITHIN (Rabbi Shefa Gold)
http://www.rabbishefagold.com/Korach.html

     This week of Korach sends me to memories of those times I was called rebellious. I remember my confusion; my only aim was to speak my truth and fight against what I perceived as hypocrisy. Now I see that I lacked patience, compassion and humility, but my intentions were good and the passion that moved me came from the sacred core of Divine Essence within me.

THE PRACTICE FOR THIS WEEK of Korach is to dig up the rebel buried within you and combine her essence with the specific qualities that you have worked long and hard to develop.

REMEMBER YOUR OWN PASSION which may have, over time, been dampened by life's disappointments.

REMEMBER THE REBEL you once were and the energy that moved through you at that time. In the portion of Korach, the earth opens her mouth and swallows the rebels. They are planted in the ground like seeds, waiting for just the right conditions to grow into their fullness.

IMAGINE THE REBEL YOU ONCE WERE as a seed planted deep in the ground. Now you can bring to that seed exactly the qualities that would help it grow.

YOU CAN WATER IT WITH PATIENCE, shine on it the light of compassion, and fertilize the soil with all the shit you've been through.

Shabbat Shalom.

Longing for Connection

With Passover just days away and as my friends are furiously preparing their kitchens for the sacred ritual of cleansing their homes, I did a little spring cleaning of my own.  While I don't clean out my kitchen and adhere to the traditional rituals, I want to participate in some way to signify the holiday and do some good.

Giving away clothes is how the holiday manifests in my house.  I began with my drawers first, then my daughter's and next will be my son's.  There is great relief in giving away clothes.  Purging and cleansing offers satisfaction inwardly and outwardly.  Knowing that others will benefit from our give-aways is reward itself, but there is a quiet relief that I am experiencing as I remove the old clothes from our home.

This experience reminds me how lucky and grateful I am to have more than enough.   As my kids grow out of their clothes and I shift my favorites, it is the work of moving the clothes from our closet to the bags with my kids helping that makes the effort even more rewarding.  

But what happens when you want a spiritual and internal cleanse?  Without tangible evidence, how does this journey become real or complete?  How do we renew our faith, passion and commitment?

In our meditation class today, we discussed the importance of rituals and how some enhance the spiritual experience.  Two years ago, I was searching to feel more whole. My dad had passed away, there were some professional transitions, and I felt pulled towards my synagogue but couldn't connect to those who were more observant than me.  I am naturally optimistic, people would describe me as upbeat and I live in gratitude.  But during that time, I was feeling angry, sad, hurt and I imagine a bit lost.  

And then one day it happened.  I felt what others talked about and what I saw it their eyes - spiritual renewal.  My family had participated in our synagogue's family weekend in previous years and I had felt the pull before, but in the winter of 2011, I felt a new and more powerful connection. 

During that retreat, I attended a special service for morning prayers.  In the early morning of Shabbat, the Rabbi and the Cantor led us in beautiful meditative prayers that I had never experienced before.  In that service, I was renewed, grateful and I found something different that connected me to prayer. Whatever anger, sadness or confusion I was holding onto had been released...physically.  My clenched fists were now open palms, my mind was racing with new creative energy and my smile was sincere.  My heart was full and the entire weekend was magical.  

As soon I returned home, I shared my experience with will all that would listen.  After speaking to a friend with whom I had recently reconnected, she invited me to a meditation class at my synagogue...MY SYNAGOGUE!  An invitation from her to join her proved to be the place I had longed for and needed in my life.  Now fourteen months later, that meditation class is my ritual.  I am deeply committed to this class, this friendship and prayer circle with women (some men attend) that feeds my mind and my soul. 

Rituals are good.  Spirituality elevates our rituals and/or rituals bring us to spirituality.  Either way, as in those morning prayers, I am grateful for the awakening and the breath of G-d.

The Weekend Turns Around...

With 15 days until the big 50, I was disconnected, sick, and not myself.

Before meditation began, I had a heavy heart.  I was burdened by ill health and wanted to feel better.  I was preoccupied with how I should celebrate my birthday, if I even wanted to celebrate and what “not celebrating” would mean.  Friends have great ideas of how they would celebrate and offer suggestions for me, but nothing feels right.  Also, by not making a decision, I felt as though I was letting others down.

With a couple days of sick time earlier in the week, antibiotics and a Shabbat that brought a rejuvenating meditation, I became myself again this weekend.  I have no fear of 50, am feeling healthy and am fully aware of being surrounded by love.  I made some decisions which feel good, my daughter and I worked on her science project, we took a walk and then my family all had dinner together. 

And now late Sunday night, I am at peace, full of love for my family and full of hope for all the 50 will bring. 

 

 

Courage Inside

In meditation today, our Rabbi asked our group, “In what part of your body do you feel courage?”  I repeated the question several times in my mind knowing that I would want to write about it later.  When I was satisfied that I would remember, I then thought about my answer to the question. 

In what part of my body do I feel courage?  My first thought was my shoulders.  When I am afraid, I straighten my shoulders, stand tall, and brace myself.  What do you do?

Next I thought about my feet.  When I am afraid, I straighten my shoulders, stand tall, brace myself and walk.  My feet force me to walk through the fear and allow me to get safely to the other side.

Heart and Soul.  That is my answer.  When I am afraid, I dig deep down into my heart and soul to find the courage I need.  My heart and soul tells my brain to straighten my shoulders, stand tall, brace myself and walk through my fear.

Where is your courage?  Shabbat Shalom.

Lost and Found

In meditation class this morning, I experienced a past memory as if I was in the moment.  The rain outside and the voice of our meditation guide helped me go deeper inside myself to an uncomfortable time in my life.  My college years were not those romantic or enlightening as in the movies, I struggled throughout the five long years trying to “find myself” and to “become someone.”  My friends made it look so easy and we never spoke of our insecurities or fears of what we may or may not become. 

When this memory would pop up in the past, I would push it away.  Today, I allowed the feelings and memory to stay with me and as I meditated, I embraced the younger me and accepted the difficult journey that I had long regretted and resented. 

In our Torah study following mediation, we discussed how the weekly Torah portion refers to Jacob at the end of his life by both names Jacob and Israel.  Our discussion was rich with our own personal experiences and thoughts.  Using Rabbi Shefa Gold’s commentary as our guide , we looked at the Israel and Jacob to describe those two parts of ourselves.

 “Looking at your own Jacob, you might find certain qualities that seem to be wired into your personality.  You might be a worrier or you might be impatient, argumentative, controlling or manipulative.  When you begin to have experiences of expanded consciousness, you are given the name “Israel” and you take on a spiritual practice that proceeds from that new identity.  But “Jacob” never really goes away.  Through our practice learn how to manage that worrier, that impatient one, that manipulator.  After many years of committed practice I realize that the voices of Jacob-within-us may never be entirely silenced, but as the Israel-in-us grows, those Jacob voices lose their power to compel and we are no longer tricked or trapped by their arguments.

When I receive the blessing of the knowledge of where Jacob lives within me, then I can recognize his voice and gently refuse his advice, looking instead to Israel, for wisdom, passion and courage for my journey.” (Torah Journeys, page 59)

I am no longer that lost college student.  I have found great learning, achievements and successes in my life.  And I am blessed to have found this incredible meditation class filled with women who are my partners in my spiritual and intellectual growth.   In my prayers and actions, I will strive to be Israel and know that sometimes I am Jacob. 

Shabbat Shalom.

 

A Meditation for Chanukah

In celebration of Chanukah, I wish you all eight nights of joy, laughter, deep connection, and hope you are surrounded by many loved ones.  I know that holidays can be stressful and can cause anxiety.  This Chanukah, I offer these opportunities to meditate in order of elevate your experience.

5 minute mediation – Find a quiet spot.  As you breathe in – think happiness.  As you breathe out, think sadness.  Repeat these.  If other words help your breathing, you can use them.    Strength/Weakness, Love/Hate, Compassion/Indifference. 

10 minute meditation – Find a quiet spot.  Begin breathing and visualize a safe and comforting place.   Breathe slowly.  Begin an exercise of blessing yourself with thoughts of kindness, strength, compassion and peace.  Then bless others with thoughts of kindness, strength, strength, compassion and peace.

30 minute – Find a quiet spot.  Select a piece of music that is peaceful and calming.  Breathe deeply and slowly.  Envision a beautiful spot for you to focus.  Imagine a flickering candle.  Let its imaginary flame light you up inside and warm your soul.  Allow your body to relax and check in with your body for any aches and pains.  Don’t ignore them, embrace them and own them.  As your mind wanders, return to the flame or your beautiful spot.

Meditation stops my world fom going crazy for a few minutes.  You may find your meditation in different ways – a walk, a run, reading, or playing tennis.   Choose something you enjoy that forces you to focus on it so that you have a few moments to get back to yourself. 

 

 

Have Faith and Say a Prayer

A couple of weeks ago, my friend gave me a special prayer book entitled “Aneni.”   I have always had faith, but receiving this book was something different.  I have only used it once, but I have to admit that I really enjoy just having it in my purse.  Whenever I have to reach into my bag, I see it and it makes me feel better. 

Since I started meditating early last year, I have learned to pray.  I was always comfortable talking to G-d, usually in my car or on a walk.   I would try to pray for others in synagogue and it always felt forced.  But now my prayers are more thoughtful and more focused.  It gives me a greater sense of peace.

The book is in both Hebrew and English.  I used to think too much about my inability to read Hebrew and now I have found beauty and wonder in saying the prayers in English. 

Anyone can pray.  Anyone can meditate.  Meditating or praying to slow down for at least 30 minutes a week has helped to stop my mind from spinning its tales of anxiety, insecurity and worry.  I didn’t believe it at first.  I began in January and now nine months later, I have noticed significant and positive changes in my mood, attitude, and productivity.

Here is my prayer for tonight – I pray that  those who are struggling can see some hope and they take a moment to say a prayer for themselves and for others.

Love and Gratitude in the Summer

Not writing in a long time was a mistake.  Distraction, frustration and yes, the joys too got in my way.  And now that Rosh HaShanah is here, I am marking the New Year with my first resolution to start writing again and more.  In the past four months, time swiftly passed by as I worked, played, loved and prayed and through it all I learned… a lot! 

As always, my work teaches me so many lessons about the world.  So many people, colleagues and friends are accomplishing great things and simply doing good in the world.  They have specific interests that truly move their spirit and elevate their work.   We listen to donors share their passions and we get inspired.  Contagious, magnetic, and infectious all describe the exchange of energy that takes place every day in my professional life and I am grateful.  My work is passionate – the best and the worst.  We work hard, we feel our cause deeply, and we want to share it with everyone.  And we get frustrated – sometimes too much.  We want people to understand, show up and give time and money.  Like any love story, we want people to love our cause and when they don’t, we hate rejection.   And like in the same love story, we quickly forgive and try again.  Work is not just a job for us, it is hard to leave it at the office, and we are rewarded big time when our young leaders grow up and are the change we guided and nurtured.

In the last two years, I have taken the word vacation seriously and lived it is as a verb.  Last year, in honor of our 15^th wedding anniversary, we took our kids to Puerto Vallarta for 10 days.  And this year, we traveled to Washington, DC, Philadelphia and New York.  Months later, I still smile reliving moments from the trip.  You learn a lot about people when you travel with them, especially your family.  First, my kids are 11 and 6 and great.   And they like to talk a lot… a lot, which is great when you are traveling because without the distraction of television, iPad, cell phones or computers, they are ready to talk about almost anything.  And somehow we, as parents, are less annoying in another part of the world.  In Washington, we loved the museums, the tour of the White House and my favorite, the Monuments by Moonlight tour.  Visiting Lincoln Memorial at night, with all the lights evoked so much emotion.   As I walked up, I tried to put it all in perspective for both kids.  For the 6 year old who loves the Transformers’ movie series, I reminded him of the most recent 3^rd movie where the Lincoln Memorial had been destroyed, revealing the magic of the movies.   For my 11 year old, once we finished climbing the stairs, I put my arm around her and read the entire Gettysburg Address.  As I read these words to my daughter, “The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here,” I realized that this moment would live on for me and hopefully for her.   I embraced this and every moment of our vacation.

I fell in love this summer.  As my husband and I celebrated our 16^th wedding anniversary, I was reminded of what a great guy he is.  He makes me laugh all the time, even if I am crying.  When I’m down, he makes me smile; when I need strength, he holds my hand; he is a great friend and a wonderful father.  Like many marriages, we are not always on the same page, but luckily and with some work, we come back together.  And then there are my friends.  Ten years ago, I had a friendship break up.  People come in and out of life, but when those who have been around a long time leave you, it is sad.  It took a long time for me to treasure new friendships.  Luckily, I have had a best friend who held onto me during all the rocky roads I walked.   With her help, I learned to trust myself and others again.  She has been my friend since I am 11 and she really has taught me love in friendship.   Because of her, I learned to be a better friend and now am fortunate to have close friends who I can count on and who can count on me.

Praying and meditating are the most healing exercises I practiced this summer.  In January, I began a Jewish meditation class that was half meditation and half Torah study.   At the beginning, my expectations were low as I had no idea what to expect.  I had been to one meditative prayer service in December and it was great, different, beautiful and physically affected me.  My reaction was so visceral that when a friend suggested this class, I said yes without hesitation.   It began as an opportunity to learn to meditate and discuss the weekly Torah portion and it grew into a deeper meaningful experience.  In the past, I had felt out of place in synagogue and longed for the ease and comfort that I saw in others.  This group became my minyan, my place to learn Torah and most important, my place to learn to pray with deeper meaning.  I prayed before, I have always considered myself spiritual, engaging in conversations with G-d.  This was different.   Meditation has helped me cope in other areas of my life, not just in synagogue.  Torah study has given me knowledge, confidence and also impacted other areas in my life.  This summer, after six months studying with an amazing spiritual leader, Rabbi Ruth Sohn and an incredible, generous group of people, I came to understand what a gift this is to me.  After searching for years, I found a place to call my own.

So, if it all was so joyous, what was distracting and frustrating – life.  With all good, there is the not-so-good.  Traffic, noise, heat, and all the petty annoyances seem bigger when you are in it.  And as I write this, I realize just how much writing helps to lessen those and remind me of all the joy and gratitude I have for what is my life.

Wishing all who celebrate a sweet and joyful New Year! 

Feb 1 - My birthday month begins

February 1 - In 17 days I will be 49. When I look in the mirror, I try to see if that is what I thought 49 would look like. Externally, I obviously look different than when I was younger, and internally, I am constantly reviewing a list of moments in time that now feel different. Am I so old that the feelings from the memories simply fade? I look back at my childhood and young adult life and try to remember what I felt at the party, why I let him speak to me that way, or how I thought I was wrong about her.

What I do feel is a new strength, power, desire to do something big. What that something is - I am not sure, but in the past few weeks, I have been meditating, studying torah text, and learning tennis again. The meditation and torah text go hand in hand and I am loving it. It feels good to observe Shabbat in this way. The tennis gives me a great reason to smack a ball and release some of the week's frustrations. I didn't realize when I started both at the same time, what a wonderful complement these two activities were to each other. Both are helping to give me greater clarity as I embark on this journey to 50!

Thanks for listening. Tune in tomorrow.