February 5 - I am struggling to write today. I should be inspired because I just watched Tom Shadyac's documentary "I AM" on Oprah's OWN Super Soul Sunday. I should be able to write pages about searching for the deeper meaning in my life, how his film that included timeless footage of extraordinary acts of human courage moved me to do something different, or how those he interviewed who are brilliant and thoughtful brought me to tears because it only reminded me of my want to connect.
Instead, I am weighing ever word I write.
Why? Because in a matter of 3 seconds, I fell right back into the pressure of "will they like what I write?" Or worse, "they won't like this or how I say that." In 3 seconds, I forgot that this was my journey and these blogs are for me.
How did this happen? After the movie, I went to the computer to begin writing my thoughts. But, right before I was going to click "new post," I saw this other word - Stats. I clicked on this to show me the amount of viewers to my blog. Big mistake - what number would make me feel okay? I have never done this before, so why should I care who is reading my blog. Like the scale, we put so much weight on the number. Our society has determined that phrases and words like "how much," "did you lose" "did you gain" "did you save" have more importance than "do you care" "do you love" "are you loved" and "what moves you."
This is my reminder that I am writing for me. If anyone reads this or not, this is already one of my favorite blogs. I just reread it and I love it.