Lessons from Meditation - 2x Adar, 2x Happiness

Today, I was asked to lead meditation.  It wasn't the first time so at least, I was mentally prepared.  I hadn't read anything for the week so I was intellectually unprepared.  But in the lessons of the week, I found my talking points.  Beautiful texts about the month of Adar and of Terumah, the building of the Mishkan.

What I learned most today - this incredible group of women who show up every week are a mishkan for me, my temple, my holy space, my peace of mind.  Over the past two years, this group at Temple Beth Am has become my shul, my sanctuary, my Shabbat.  The women around the table helped guide the conversation, shared their experiences and their learning which again made the morning holy.  And right now I sit in a space of happiness because I didn't do it alone.  This morning reminded me that I am surrounded by love, support, friendship and community.  My heart is full and joyful.  

Words on a page are black and white.  With my meditation group this morning, these words danced in the room and brought happiness as the month commands.  Below are the texts we used this morning.  I hope you find as much joy and meaning as we did.

For the meditation - Rabbi Yael Levy - It's Adar, Be Happy

For discussion - Rabbi Moti Bar-Or - Terumah, God's Home

And to end our session, I shared this - Rabbi Karen Kriger Brogard - The Essence of Adar

Thank you to all of the Rabbis for their inspiration and to Rabbi Arielle Hanien for always bringing light to my life.  

Living in the Majority of Happiness

Finally I put my finger on it. In moments when I was in “neutral,” as when riding the subway, I was the same familiar Gretchen. The difference was that, although my nature was unchanged, I had more happiness in my life each day; my resolutions had added more sources of fun, engagement, and satisfaction and had also eliminated some significant sources of bad feelings, such as guilt and anger. Through my actions, I was successfully pushing myself to the high end of my inborn happiness range.  (Rubin, Gretchen (2009-12-16). The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun (p. 111). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.)

My motivation for buying this book was simply the title.  I had just completed my year of turning 50 and had learned a lot through my writing, meditation and study. What drew me to Gretchen's book is that while I did/do feel better, I wondered what it meant to be happier.  The book is divided by the months and in each month, Gretchen chooses issues in her life that she wants to address and by doing so, she believes she will be happier.  Having gotten to May, I know she is right on her way to a happier and fulfilling life.  In addition, her awareness to making others happy has grown.

What I find so moving about this quote from the book is how much I related to falling into the "same familiar Lori" when I am frustrated or when I become unfocused.  While on our mini-vacation this weekend, my family and I enjoyed 4 days away from home and I was so happy to have nothing to do, no worries about appointments or schedules and all I had to worry about was to make sure that we had enough sunscreen and books to read.  I read for 3 days straight, had beautiful and memorable conversations with my kids and my husband, and it was clear (again) that even 4 days away from our house allows us to reconnect and unwind.

And still in my joy of the few days, there are the tiniest voices that rise when I am not concentrating.  Comparing myself to others does not happen with the same frequency thanks to my own journey to happiness.  However, as I sat at the pool, I couldn't help but have those thoughts take over.  So hideous is my own negative voice, I won't even write it here.

When we arrived home today, my husband and I talked about it.  He is my best friend and I can share my most vulnerable thoughts with him.  We talked about how many things we do right, how together we run a household and raise two kids, and though we see things differently, we manage to still hold hands and laugh.

I may still have moments of insecurity and frustration, but who doesn't?  My life now is to focus on finding solutions and being productive.  Sometimes it is difficult, time-consuming and exhausting, but more than that my life is filled with accomplishment, gratitude, and love.  If it was a pie chart or percentage, the good in my life is way above 51%.  It wasn't/isn't always, but I am more confident now that ever that as I continue to learn from great writers and thinkers, I will live in the majority of happiness.

Living In The Waves

Emotions are like the waves of the ocean, some high tide and some low tide, some I let run over me and from some I run away. Happiness is easy, I want it to shower me and I want to stay in the water as long as I can. Even the memory of a joyful moment in my life can bring back a smile like a wave comes back to the sand. You know that time you were driving in your car, thinking about all the things you have to do in a day and your favorite song from your school days comes on the radio - first recognition, then memory, and BAM, a stream of memories come flooding back, the friends you had, the smells of the restaurants and soon you are smiling and singing!

How about anger?! This is a tricky one because I find that sometimes when the big wave of anger goes away, little drops remain like when I get out of the water and I dry off with the big soft towel, but my hair is still wet. I can help dry my hair faster or let it dry on its own, it is my decision. Anger feels the same to me. Even after a discussion and apologies have been made, there is always that lingering feeling that stays until it goes away. And most of the time, I am patient, once I say or hear, "I am sorry," the wave of anger begins to leave and there is room for good feelings.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about sadness. A therapist once told me that it takes more energy to push an emotion away then to simply feel it. That statement made to me seven years ago still profoundly effects on me and I have repeated many times over. It was most useful when my dad died. In the past seven months, I have tried to move through the waves of sadness with them rather than against them. Of course, this means I have to be sad. What I have found is that after a very intense trauma or grieving process, my life seems lighter, brighter, and it has greater clarity. And even though, like the song that brings happiness and the words that might bring anger, sadness can also be triggered by a song, words from a friend, or a commercial on television. So I might cry more and I might feel things more intensely, but it is all worth it because the most important thing is that I do feel it. Happy, Anger, Sadness - these and more are all part of life and I say, bring it on and in the end, my life will be more truthful and much sweeter.